Further Resources

Silence is complicity — it paves a highway that widens every time we don’t speak up when we must. If you work in any Australian office that has been around for more than a couple of years, you know the dance: the polite email that sidesteps the real issue, the meeting that dances around the elephant, the team chat turned bubbling group text. Difficult conversations are not a nicety, they’re a business imperative. And the stronger you are at them, the less drama, the faster solutions and the more powerful relationships. I’ll be blunt: virtually all managers wing it. And that’s a strategic error. I take it one step further: In companies that invest in training for these difficult conversations, turnover decreases — productivity and efficiency increases; leaders actually sleep better. Some will dismiss that as soft-sell HR speak. I call it reality. We’ve seen it in Melbourne contact centres, Sydney project teams and Brisbane retail rollouts — actual results, not anecdotes. Why having these conversations is so difficult Because hard conversations are just messy bundles of content and emotion. People confuse the two. We may talk about the missed KPI but in reality it’s fear — of judgement, loss, shame or retribution. And emotions are contagious. Enter a room in which tempers are buzzing and see focus leak and rationality flood. And there’s the identity litmus test: most of us link competence with how we are perceived. Criticism threatens that perception. So when criticism comes, the defensive crouch clicks in — now it’s about survival rather than solution. Here’s a tough one to keep in your pocket: According to CPP’s global study, about 85% of workers experience conflict on the job to some degree. That’s not a niche problem. That’s a state of daily operations in many workplaces. If you try to pretend it’s not happening, that is like choosing to operate blindfolded. A snappy personal story I’d have to say my story is very short but sharp high performing account manager Mark, a few years back in Sydney where I had to confront him as he started missing small deadlines. When he wanted to, he could do great work; his unpredictability was bringing chaos to the rest of the team though. I’d reserved a room at 7.30am — no fuss, no emails — in an impersonal corner near Circular Quay where he could not be ambushed by the office. I began with a fact: three deliverables that did not arrive in four weeks. He bristled, then sighed. He’d been quietly drowning in a second project no one had given the team a heads-up about. We put the workload back together, defined priorities and established a weekly check-in. He was back to being Mr. Consistent two months later. Three things in that interchange were important: preparation; specificity; and the ability to listen to data that contradicted my assumptions. And that is the anatomy of a successful hard conversation. Steps you can take to be ready — not too much harder than hibernation 1. Clarify your objective. Is it to alter behavior, mend a relationship, create an expectation, or elicit information? If you can’t say what your objective is in one sentence, you are not ready. 2. Gather facts, not narratives. Dates, examples, observable behaviours. Not, “you’re lazy” — that’s a label. “You skipped two client update calls in August” — that’s an operative fact. 3. Prepare your opening line. The first two sentences are the indicator. Say something like: “I’ve got to tell you, X is happening and it’s having an effect on Y; I’d like to work together on solving this.” Script it, if that helps. 4. Schedule it. Don’t ambush. A short, planned meeting treats both sides respectfully and lowers the heat. 5. Check your physiology. Your expression (what you sound like), body and breath, are all part of how your message is heard. Yes — that quote is rather yogic. It’s also pragmatic. What to say — and what not Say: “I noticed” or “When X event happened, I felt Y.” These are basic, but they ground the dialogue in observed phenomena and personal impact. They reduce blame. Don’t: “You always” or “You never.” Hyperbole gets them defensive fast. Use questions that invite perspective. “Explain to me what was happening.” “What was your intention?” Those are potent because they replace accusation with curiosity. 1) Active listening is not an option I observe team members meandering through something they consider to be passive – waiting-for-my-turn-to-speak listening. It isn’t. Active listening is focused attention, paraphrasing,and checking meaning. It’s not waiting for your turn to talk. If they feel like you heard them, they’re much less likely to double-down on defensiveness. Active listening techniques: - Repeat back the speakers points in your own words. “So, let me make sure I understand” - Ask clarifying questions. “When you talk about X, what exactly does that mean in practice?” - Acknowledge feelings without necessarily concurring. “I can understand how you might feel that way.” Two takes some readers might disagree with 1. Line managers should also be trained and held responsible for having impossible conversations. Not HR. The manager is the relationship owner; managing to HR is a coward’s way out and a bad use of scarce HR time. 2. Consistency in performance conversations is more important than annual reviews. I realize annual reviews are sacrosanct in some organizations, but if your managers can’t squeeze real work into their day and have micro-conversations with you about how you’re doing, the annual ritual is theater. Managing emotion — theirs and yours Emotional regulation is not therapy. It’s professional skill. Recognise your triggers. If you lose your cool when sarcasm flies in a meeting, make that trigger explicit ahead of time: “When people are sarcastic in meetings, I get defensive.” If you notice yourself losing control in the conversation, take a break. Pause. Say, “I need five minutes.” Walk to the kitchen. Breathe. Return. Make room for their emotions! If strong emotions are hindering progress, try acknowledging those feelings: “I can see this is upsetting — would you like to take a pause?” Pausing isn’t weakness; it’s strategic. Language that deescalates - Turn down your volume. Power ratchets up power.” –Pause And: “Slow it down a beat. Delivery speed enhances aggression ratings. - Qualify3 language “I’m wondering if...” is way less harsh a condemnation than, “You did…” Non-violent communication and the I statement Non-violent communication (NVC) gets laughed at in some boardrooms. Too soft, some say. Which is fine — except I’m going to say that NVC is just accurate. “When X happens, I feel frustrated because Y” communicates the effect without assigning character flaws. It affords the other person the dignity of being able to choose differently. Open-ended questions that actually open space Open questions build connection. Not “Did you miss the deadline?,” instead. try, “Walk me through what happened that week.’’ When people are asked to explain themselves, they tell more of the truth than when directly accused. Dealing with resistance and pushback Resistance is inevitable. Prepare for it. Reflect back: “You seem frustrated.” Labels squelch intensity. — Reframe: “If we look at the outcome that you and I both want — reliable delivery — how might we get there?” - Redirect to shared goals. “We both want the client to feel good about the work.” Sometimes resistance is conscious and strategic — someone protecting turf, saving face or covering for bad systems. Don’t personalise every pushback. Boundaries, and escalation Set those boundaries early. If someone won’t treat it respectfully, respond: “I’m happy to continue when we can talk calmly on both our parts.” If that doesn’t work, create an escalation path. That might involve bringing in a second manager or creating a formal record. Boundaries protect psychological safety. Real De-escalation Tools: Time Outs. Perfectly simple and effective.- Grounding questions. “What would be a good result for you?” - Move the setting. Things are different outside on a walk, in another room or at a different time. Common traps to avoid - Ambiguity: if it’s not clear what happens next, then nothing will happen. - Public calls-to-action: don’t criticise someone in public where all peers can hear. - Avoidance: wishing the issue will go away never leads to anything good. - Over-reliance on email. Email is great for documentation, lousy for nuance. Make feedback a normal habit The teams in the best health treat feedback like toothpaste: out there, accessible, used daily. Normal feedback is scary when it shouldn’t be. That means brief, regular check-ins, not dramatic interventions. Practice and rehearsal Yes, rehearse. Practice with an L&D colleague or a coach. Rehearse the opening, the potential pivots and your coping mechanisms. We have managers practice roleplays in the workshops, and those who rehearse almost always do better in the moment. Small changes with outsized returns - Start conversations on common agreement of objective. - Limit to less than three concrete examples at once in conversation — people shut down beyond that. - End with clear next steps and a date for follow-up check-in. - Write down commitments afterwards. It’s not punitive; it’s clarity. When people duck The real costs of conversation As it turns out, avoidance has a cost — measurable costs, as in slowed projects, diminished trust and lower morale. You pay in rework, you pay in talent flight and you pay for missed opportunities. It’s considerably less sexy than KPIs, but it’s what eats them alive. A few inflammatory preferences — love ’em or hate ’em – I prefer structured one-on-ones to ad hoc feedback. Structure isn’t the enemy of spontaneity; it is predictable safety.-I’d wager mandatory conversation-skills training for new managers would be a bargain. It saves more expensive interventions down the line. We’ve tested this. Teams that had undergone hands-on training in feedback and difficult conversations were perceived as having clearer expectations by their members, and had fewer internal grievances three months later. Anecdotal? Partly. But we also track manager confidence and escalation rates — concerning those numbers, you can actually make them move.” Final cultural note: your org’s tone matters Encountering good cave people can help, but no culture encourages candour will enable the healthy kind of difficult conversation. If people are afraid to speak up, you get compliance but not improvement. Leaders need to show how to take feedback. The pushback-phobic C.E.O. beams out a license to shut down. Conclusion — one small, actionable step If you only listen to one thing in this: prepare for the discussion. Don’t make major relationship work up as you go along. And get in the habit of listening more than speaking. Preparation is surprisingly anti-drama. People will forgive blunt clarity when it comes with respect. They rarely forgive neglect. If you’re stuck, bring in a neutral facilitator. And remember: the goal isn’t to win; it’s to get back up. It leaves scars, even if talks don’t change anything. Clarity-seeking, repairing and action-­oriented conversations contribute to resiliency — and that is the kind of environment most of us want to work in anyway. Sources & Notes CPP Inc., “Workplace Conflict and How Business Can Harness It to Thrive,” 2008 — CPP’s worldwide research showed that almost 85% of employees experience conflict in the workplace. Full report: CPP Global Human Capital Report (2008). Harvard Business Review, a number of different articles about difficult conversations / conflict mediation – for terms like active listening, labelling and de-escaltor behaviours (HBR is a good practitioner-oriented source for the stuff I just explained). Safe Work Australia, psychosocial hazards and effects of work-related stress (used in support of arguments that workplace costs associated with unmanaged conflict, and stress puzzle. Note: Statistics and phrasing are based on popular industry stats and reports from professionals. I’ve tried to be as accurate as possible, but some numbers may have been imperfectly translated if only for the sake clear illustration. We do training workshops in Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane, where these methods are practised and honed — and we’ve seen the impact that controlled, considered difficult conversations make in real teams.